Week 8, Thursday
Helios swore by the river Styx to give his son any gift he named, and Phaethon named the chariot of the sun for a single day. The boy could not hold the horses: the chariot dipped and burned the rivers dry, climbed and froze the plains, and Zeus finally put a thunderbolt through him to keep the world from ending. He dropped into the Eridanus, and his sisters stood on the bank and wept amber. Matthew asked for the reins and came back with Darnell Washington.
He is carrying 112.1 into Ethan's 161.8, and the simulator hands him 9 percent, the lowest number any manager in this league holds this week. His best starter is Aaron Rodgers at 20, which is already behind Bryce Young's 20.7 on the other side, and his second-best is Ashton Jeanty at 16.6 while Ethan gets Christian Watson for 16 tonight and two more after that. Phaethon at least had a father's unbreakable oath and a team of horses nobody could have controlled; Matthew had a full waiver wire, a lineup deadline and a tight end projected for 7.4. This is the same man who started Brian Thomas Jr. in week 6 and got nothing out of him. Dumbass.
The matchups
Shough and Fhough (Justin) vs Anish
Justin has Trevor Lawrence at 25.2 and Jahmyr Gibbs at 23.2 propping up a 157.4 and 59 percent, and his weak spot is TreVeyon Henderson at 7.4, which for a man who left 49.7 on his bench in week 5 counts as restraint. Anish answers with Ja'Marr Chase at 20.2 for 148.3 and 41 percent, and his entire Thursday is Matthew Golden at 13.7. His floor is Antonio Williams at 7.9, and the last time Anish trusted a starter like that it was Darren Waller scoring him zero.
Njigba’s in Paris (Peter) vs Let A Naysayer Know (Devante)
Peter rolls out a mean of 172.6 and a 71 percent chance behind Jaxon Smith-Njigba at 25.1 and Trey McBride at 23.3, with Chuba Hubbard (16.7) and Jalen Coker (15.9) banking points tonight, which is a lot of help for a man who once started Case Keenum on a day Keenum did not play. Devante answers with two quarterbacks, Lamar Jackson at 23.3 and Geno Smith at 20.2, a mean of 148.3, a 29 percent chance, Caleb Douglas at 6.8 taking up a lineup spot, and not one starter on the field tonight. The man who gave away 1,037 in FantasyCalc value in a single trade this week now gets to sit still and watch another guy's running back score. Coward.