Ethan's Bench Fucked Him for 60.1 and Alex Started a Man Who Wasn't There
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Week 7
On the night of 25 November 1120 the White Ship left Barfleur carrying William Adelin, the only legitimate son of Henry I and heir to England and Normandy, with a crew he had kept in wine all evening. Racing to catch the king's fleet in calm water, they drove straight onto a rock at the mouth of the harbor, and of roughly three hundred aboard, the one man who lived was a butcher from Rouen. A kingdom slid into twenty years of civil war because nobody on deck could see a rock right in front of them. Alex hit the same rock sober.
The rock was Kyle Monangai, who did not play, parked in Alex's FLEX while Mason Taylor scored 27.7 on the bench like a lifeboat left tied to the dock. CeeDee Lamb put up 24.4 for Alex and was the butcher from Rouen, the one man who washed up alive. Sam LaPorta, whom Alex started on a bye last week, actually showed up this time and scored 3.3, so Alex has now found two different ways to get nothing out of the same tight end. Alex finished 0-9 in the all-play with 114.72, the lowest score in the league. William's crew at least had a barrel of wine to blame; Alex had a phone that tells you who is playing, and he set that lineup stone sober. Dumbass.
Loser of the Week
Alex: 114.72 points, lost to Kraft YAC & Cheese (Brandon).
Crown him again. Alex left 45.4 points on the bench, started a FLEX that never left the locker room, and rides a 3L streak into the throne room. Alex already owned two of these crowns, which makes him the only man in the league with a matching set. Long live nobody.
Njigba’s in Paris 165.94, Shough and Fhough 151.80
Peter won, and Trey McBride did it alone with 32.1 while the rest of a lineup projected for 202.11 wandered off. Cam Skattebo scored 19.1 on Peter's bench behind Juwan Johnson, the kind of lineup call that only wins when the man across from you is worse. That is the number one team in the power rankings: a tight end and an alibi.
Efton Chism III again. Justin started him over Makai Lemon, who put up 19.7 on the bench, and that one swap flips the whole matchup. Chism scored 2.6 for Justin, which for Chism is a comeback tour. Justin is in a committed relationship with a receiver who will not touch him back. Smitten.
Njigba’s in Paris: 165.94, projected 202.11, 47.50 left on the bench
Shough and Fhough: 151.80, projected 150.42, 17.10 left on the bench
The swap that flips it: Makai Lemon (19.70) for Efton Chism III (2.60) at WR
Anish 168.80, Love on the Spectrum 130.44
Anish beat the commissioner by 38.36 with Jaylin Noel starting in his FLEX and Rico Dowdle's 14.6 sitting on the bench. Anish set a bad lineup and it still was not close. Charity.
Ethan left 60.1 points on his bench, the most in the league, and Omar Cooper Jr. outscored Nico Collins from there. Michael Penix Jr. posted 26.42 on the same bench, more than any quarterback Ethan actually started. Penix and Cooper absolutely fucked the man who benched them, in his own league, under his own rules. ETHAN WROTE THE RULES AND FINISHED LAST UNDER THEM. Dead last.
Love on the Spectrum: 130.44, projected 175.42, 60.10 left on the bench
Anish: 168.80, projected 165.64, 30.00 left on the bench
Let A Naysayer Know 189.98, Navid 171.38
Tony Pollard scored 36.5 for Devante, and a lineup projected for 149.67 turned into the best score of the week. Devante traded away 728 in FantasyCalc value last week, and now he goes 9-0 in the all-play. Somebody check his phone. Consider the naysayers informed. Suspicious.
Navid benched Quinshon Judkins, who scored 23.4, to start Xavier Worthy, who scored 4.1, and that one swap was the whole loss. Navid posted the second best score in the league and still found a way to make it his own fault. Robbed is when somebody takes it from you. Navid gift wrapped it. Donor.
Let A Naysayer Know: 189.98, projected 149.67, 9.72 left on the bench
Navid: 171.38, projected 152.66, 34.30 left on the bench, robbed (top-3 score, lost)
The swap that flips it: Quinshon Judkins (23.40) for Xavier Worthy (4.10) at FLEX
The Mayeflower 168.70, Matthew 134.80
Cade Otton played and scored a flat zero in Carlos's FLEX while Saquon Barkley put up 15.1 on Carlos's bench, and Carlos won anyway because Matthew was across from him. Brandon pulled the same stunt with Adonai Mitchell: the two teams at the top of the standings both started a zero and both won, which tells you everything about the other eight. Unearned.
Dak Prescott scored 29.28 on Matthew's bench while Aaron Rodgers posted 15.08 in his lineup. Matthew picked the wrong quarterback with two to choose from and a whole week to think about it. Jameson Williams showed up for him and nobody thanked him. Furniture.
Matthew: 134.80, projected 142.04, 19.10 left on the bench
The Mayeflower: 168.70, projected 170.46, 19.84 left on the bench
Kraft YAC & Cheese 168.28, Alex 114.72
Joe Burrow scored 36.88 and dragged Brandon home over a lineup that started Patrick Mahomes for 7 while Kirk Cousins put up 24.4 on the bench. Brandon started Adonai Mitchell for a zero on top of that. He still won by 53.56. Fraud.
Alex lost to a team that started a zero and lost by 53.56 anyway. The rock was in his lineup, the lifeboat was on his bench, and Brandon barely had to steer. Sunk.
Kraft YAC & Cheese: 168.28, projected 174.54, 33.70 left on the bench
Alex: 114.72, projected 140.21, 45.40 left on the bench
The Mayeflower (Carlos): Cade Otton, FLEX, played, scored 0
Standings
Standings
Rank
Team
Manager
Record
Points for
Streak
1
The Mayeflower
Carlos
4-1
891.08
4W
2
Kraft YAC & Cheese
Brandon
4-1
889.72
4W
3
Njigba’s in Paris
Peter
3-2
942.2
1W
4
Navid
Navid
3-2
816.92
1L
5
Shough and Fhough
Justin
2-3
755.38
1L
6
Alex
Alex
2-3
721.06
3L
7
Anish
Anish
2-3
717.3
1W
8
Let A Naysayer Know
Devante
2-3
703.64
1W
9
Matthew
Matthew
2-3
640.74
1L
10
Love on the Spectrum
Ethan
1-4
820.78
4L
Power rankings
Score is 40% all-play win rate, 30% points per game and 30% projected starting-lineup points, each rescaled so the best team in the league is 100 and the worst is 0.
Power rankings
Rank
Team
Manager
Score
All-play
Luck
1
Njigba’s in Paris
Peter
100
37-8
-1.1
2
Kraft YAC & Cheese
Brandon
75.4
29-16
0.8
3
The Mayeflower
Carlos
75.3
31-14
0.6
4
Love on the Spectrum
Ethan
51.7
25-20
-1.8
5
Navid
Navid
50.7
27-18
0
6
Shough and Fhough
Justin
32.9
20-25
-0.2
7
Alex
Alex
30.4
15-30
0.3
8
Anish
Anish
23.4
16-29
0.2
9
Let A Naysayer Know
Devante
21.6
16-29
0.2
10
Matthew
Matthew
0
9-36
1
Season odds
Matthew has 4.3 percent playoff odds and a 68.6 percent shot at the first pick next year, so the only thing he is leading is the race to the bottom. Ethan fell from 75.5 to 44.3 percent playoff odds in one week, which is what happens when the commissioner sets his own lineup. Devante jumped from 4.9 to 26.9 on one good afternoon and is already measuring for a banner.
Season odds
Team
Manager
Playoffs %
Bye %
Title %
Last %
Njigba’s in Paris
Peter
99.9
77.8
49.9
0
Kraft YAC & Cheese
Brandon
99.9
65.8
24.5
0
The Mayeflower
Carlos
99.8
51.1
18.9
0.1
Navid
Navid
91.1
4.4
3.1
0.2
Shough and Fhough
Justin
52.6
0.3
0.4
4.7
Alex
Alex
48.2
0.2
1.1
5.1
Love on the Spectrum
Ethan
44.3
0.1
1.7
7.9
Anish
Anish
33
0.1
0.2
10
Let A Naysayer Know
Devante
26.9
0.1
0.2
13.2
Matthew
Matthew
4.3
0
0
58.9
From 10,000 simulated seasons.
Next week
Alex sails out of Barfleur again next week with Monangai at the helm. Henry I, the chroniclers swore, never smiled again; this league has not stopped.